by Katherine Buck “Guys, I’m going to teach you how to live. Think of me as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I’m awesome.” –Barney Stinson Recently, at Harvard University, a new masters program was made available. The Institute of Pickup and Seduction Studies offers a whole new outlook on the delicate science of seduction. The program was begun thanks to the unrelenting enthusiasm of Professor Barney Stinson, whose ardent desire to educate new generations has pulled him through when many others would have been daunted by the tremendous task ahead of them. With the help of Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy, and the London Seduction Society, Stinson gathered the support of other colleagues to back this ambitious endeavor. He was appointed Chairman and as head of the institute, Professor Stinson designed a list of courses and seminars which he describes, in a word, as “awesome.” Here is a partial list of the institute’s offerings:
Wingmen: choosing your partner (required) Versuitility: the versatility of suits (required) Date Deceptions (required) Women’s Taxonomy (required) Comprehensive history of pickup lines: classic, modern, and cliché Fake Names and Alibis Location Scouting Political and Investment Theory The written course materials also offer students valuable insights. Most of them were written or compiled by Professor Stinson himself: The Bro Code, explaining how wingmen interact and help each other The Playbook, a catalogue of Professor Stinson’s own techniques The Barnacle, Professor Stinson’s memoirs Versuitility, Professor Stinson’s own experience with suits (includes a DVD) This budding program counts on its extraordinary faculty to make it succeed. The program’s co-director and former leader of the Italian Seduction Society, Giacomo Casanova, has helped assemble the best in the field to educate young minds. Among the professors are Anita Lopez, renowned author of The Power of “No”: Seduction by Rejection, and Juan Lugo, the ex-cleric and ex-politician. Other influential professors include Pierre Lux, Fernando Amorillo, Henry Houdini, and Friedrich Liebemann, all renowned international scholars. Students from the first generation of the program were delighted to comment on their chosen career paths: “This program has given me an invaluable inspiration I believed impossible to achieve. It has restored my faith in human existence, to say the least. Professor Stinson is an ingenious and charismatic man; his teachings equal those of Plato.” –Oscar Juarez “Professor Stinson is awesome; he buys us beer and takes us on field trips.” –Y. Hett “The beautiful thing about this program is that it is malleable to our own interests and personalities. It’s perfect for everyone.” –Lily Scherbotsky “I love that the program doesn’t limit itself to seduction studies; its research covers the whole aspect of human interrelations. It’s a beautiful thing.” –Lindsay Lohan Taking the opportunity to chat with Professor Stinson, this humble reporter gained important insight into what the program is all about. Professor Stinson commented on his career and other achievements, of which his Perfect Week (7 women in 7 days) of 2009 stands out. He was also kind enough to elaborate on some of his major contributions in the field including many of his theories, of which the Hot/Crazy scale is probably the most important. “Darwin’s theory of evolution alleges that we evolved from monkeys; if we take this as true then we must also accept the fact that women have become increasingly attractive, less hairy, and a whole lot crazier. As such, a girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she’s equally hot. Moreover, she should be above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal, a line stemming from the origin on a Cartesian plane with a slope of 0.67. Girls close to the graphical area known as the Shelly Gillespie zone should be of particular concern. Exhibit A: The area’s namesake was a girl I dated who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick. The whole scale is a simple concept that can go a long way.” a
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May 2024
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