by Grace Weng
I sat motionless on the cold green bench in the clinic. The surrounding atmosphere suffocated me–the noisome smell of the place; the complete whiteness of the walls, the floor, the uniform of the nurse sitting at t he reception counter; the unbearable silence and stillness. It was as if time no longer existed, yet the only sound that could be heard was the monotonous ticking of the clock. My mind was as blank as the whiteness of the walls. The wind chimes by the clinic door broke the silence. I turned towards the opening door and what I saw first wasn’t the feet of the person, but the big round stomach of a woman. She looked about thirty, a little plump with a slightly s wollen face. Following her was a tall, well-built man whom I immediately made out to be her husband. One of the woman’s hands clung tightly to her husband’s arm while the other supported her stomach. The couple walked slowly to the bench opposite me and sat down. The nurse by the counter approached them and they exchanged a few words in whispers. The pregnant woman looked especially nervous, as her shoulders jolted spasmodically from time to time. Her husband placed his big hands on her stomach as if gi ving her a sense of assurance, and I could see a kind of serene joy radiating from her swollen cheeks. I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. If I had observed this couple in a park or anywhere else at any other moment, I wouldn’t have noticed their little movements, and the richness of their expressions. It probably would not have moved me to tears. Yet then and there, on the other side of the wall, my best friend Rachel was having a life sucked out of her womb. Rachel and I had not seen each other for half a year. As she was studying in the States, we only met during Christmas and summer vacations. Thus when I unexpectedly received her call this summer, I could hardly wait to see her and t alk about all the little secrets that we missed sharing. I did not anticipate that the first secret she shared with me was–I am pregnant. Her voice was so shaky that I thought I hadn’t heard right. Yet when I looked into her eyes and saw her helplessness as she sobbed incessantly, I suddenly realized the seriousness of what she was facing. Rachel told me that she often felt like vomiting recently, and her mom was becoming a little suspicious. Thus she had already made an appointment for her to get an overall check-up at one of the well-established hospitals. The appoi ntment was two days later. I couldn’t bear the slightest thought of how her mother might react if she found out about her pregnancy. She was one of the most conservative mothers I have ever known. Ever since high school, Rachel had always had fights with her parents because of her boyfriend, Chris. They did not think girls should experience romance at such a young age. Moreover, they did not approve of Chris. They told Rachel that if she had already graduated from college, they wouldn’t interfere with w hom she was dating, but in high school, she should just concentrate on her studies. Due to continued pressure from her parents, Rachel was forced to end her relationship with Chris. That happened at least three years ago. Rachel and Chris still dated secr etly and held on to their love. But what now? Chris was miles away on the other side of the world and Rachel had to face this all alone. We had looked in the yellow pages, called up hospitals, clinics, and eventually, this was where we ended up. As the doctor did an ultrasound scan of Rachel’s uterus, I could see tiny, fuzzy movements of black and white in what seem ed like a hollow womb. The doctor told us that that was the heartbeat of the offspring. It should have been a fascinating idea that a life which was less than two months old could have a heartbeat, yet how we wished it hadn’t existed! The doctor said that he would be glad if Rachel could keep the baby and get married, but if there weren’t any other choices, an abortion would take less than forty minutes. I knew how much Rachel loved children and how she longed to keep the baby, but when considering all the impossible situations in reality, there was no other way out. Both she and Chris were only twenty; their parents would not agree ; they would not have the financial support; they were still in school; the list could go on endlessly. I looked up at the ticking clock on the wall. Rachel had been in the operating room for more than half an hour. The woman opposite me looked as though she had fallen asleep, with both hands on her stomach. Her face looked so calm and pe aceful. The man looked affectionately at his wife’s face, then at the big round stomach, then back at her face, then her stomach. I looked up at the ticking clock on the wall. Rachel had been in the operating room for more than half an hour. The woman opposite me looked as though she had fallen asleep, with both hands on her stomach. Her face looked so calm an d peaceful. The man looked affectionately at his wife’s face, then at the big round stomach, then back at her face, then her stomach. A nurse had appeared by the corridor and told me I could go in and see Rachel. I followed her along the narrow corridor and entered a room, white like everything else. I saw her lying on bed, looking so fragile like a porcelain doll that could shatter with the slightest disturbance. Her face was as pale as death and her eyes expressionless. The usual spark of hope was nowhere to be found. It was as if she was in a distant world, all alone in the void. She was looking at me but she s howed no signs of recognition. My fingers started to tremble as I stared into her eyes. I was so afraid that she would never return to her usual self, that I would never again see her smile and hear her tinkling laughter. Then I noticed small, subtle movements of her lips. She kept on murmuring, Where is my baby? Where is my baby? Her voice got louder and she was getting out of control, “It belonged to me and Chris… I just killed my baby… I ki lled my baby… I killed a life… It already had a heartbeat… Did you see its heart beating… It was a life we created and I killed it. How could I have done such a deed? I’m so cruel…She started vomiting and the nurse came in to give her a shot. Gradua lly she calmed down, only whispering sorry over and over again, then drifted into sleep. Her intense reaction completely shocked me. I had never thought it would turn out like this. I thought we were only solving a problem, only preventing her parents from finding out, and after t he operation was over, the matter would be over and done with. I had never expected it to have such a strong impact on her. It wasn’t just about solving the problem; it was an issue of morality. It was, after all, depriving a life of its chance to develo p in the womb, to be brought into this world to experience all the intricate emotions of being a human. After two more hours of rest, Rachel seemed more calm and composed. Her body was still feeling rather weak, as the doctor said the wound would take a couple of weeks to heal. But what about the wound she had experienced emotionally, how long would that take to heal? Or would it be forever cast in her memory? a
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May 2024
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