By Kaiya BrownWith bloodshot eyes, the woman glared at her pitiful reflection. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she gripped tighter to the offending item in her right hand.
This isn’t me, this isn’t me, this isn’t me… She almost didn’t recognize herself since she had changed quite a bit in the last few months. Her appearance, her demeanor… “Why do you have that?” The woman looked at her reflection to find another woman standing behind her right shoulder. The first one stood, silent. “Lia?” the second woman tried again. “Why do you have that wig?” Lia tried to give a deep sigh, as if she was in control, but it came out shaky due to her tears. The wig remained in her tight grasp, hair strands from the cap falling onto the bathroom floor. The second woman tried giving Lia a comforting look, but it came off as one of pity. Her sea foam eyes peered into Lia’s brown ones, trying to reach an understanding. But I’m not you. I can’t be… “You were finally conquering your fear,” the second woman began, placing a hand on Lia’s shoulder. “You weren’t lonely for once.” “Isabella, I…” The words were caught in Lia’s throat. She couldn’t even begin to explain why she had the wig. She looked at Isabella’s reflection, marveling over her stark contrasts. Light eyes and hair glowed against dark skin and she was impossibly beautiful, something Lia could never accomplish. Isabella was a caring woman, yes, but still… …we’re too different. Lia’s heart could never let her feel to the same extent as Isabella but it still felt things, many emotions she wished she didn’t. She looked over her own appearance once more, noticing that her once brown bob were now brown spirals and curls, mirroring Isabella’s blond ringlets. However, even though her demeanor was closer to Isabella’s, Lia couldn’t help but notice that her appearance was closer to someone else. “It’s unbecoming to cry in the rain like this.” It was years ago when Lia stood alone in the pouring rain and that phrase was uttered to her. She couldn’t forget the way those chocolate eyes bore into her own, revealing Elizabeth to her for the first time. ‘Though you known me for years,’ Elizabeth always told her, ‘I’ve known you for longer.’ At the time, it was a comforting gesture from Elizabeth, protecting Lia from the rain, and from that point on, Lia had misunderstood Elizabeth’s character. From that fateful meeting, Lia and Elizabeth stood side by side, Elizabeth vowing to keep Lia safe. Aren’t we? “What type of drink are you?” Lia had glanced up from her laptop as she and Elizabeth sat together in that coffee shop. Lia, of course, thought the question was odd, especially coming from Elizabeth until she realized she read it off of the napkin dispenser on their table. Elizabeth then immediately mocked it, stating that it was silly for the coffee shop to have ridiculous ‘conversation starters’ on the dispensers but that didn’t stop Lia from thinking about it later on that night. But at times, we’re too similar… Lia couldn’t pinpoint what drink she would be. Perhaps water, she thought, since she lacked any distinct qualities, but then she gave up that thought instantly. Raindrops drummed against her as she stood in intense silence. It reminded Lia of the day she met Elizabeth. If she recalled correctly, those same strawberry red lips still curved upwards in victory, as if Elizabeth just saved Lia from herself. Suddenly, the rain stopped from overhead, causing Lia to glance up to the woman holding an umbrella over her. Lia had mistakenly believed that if Elizabeth was a drink, she would be milk. Appearance-wise, perhaps she would have been correct. To Lia, Elizabeth’s hair was a rich dark chocolate, her eyes a milk chocolate, rosy lips and cheeks like strawberry milk, and her skin was a milky white. Lia had always thought that through her tough shell that she displayed, deep down Elizabeth was sweet. Lia was always envious of Elizabeth for many reasons. Everything Elizabeth was rivaled Lia. Elizabeth was confident where Lia was shy, Elizabeth was practical while Lia was idealistic. Elizabeth was gorgeous where Lia was, well, wasn’t. Elizabeth looked at the world differently than Lia, finding it easier to cut away all emotion rather than subjecting herself to all the issues emotions bring on. Lia always struggled with this, as her own emotions always overpowered her logic, and that’s what she envied the most. “Do you want to go back to that?” Lia’s mouth hung open slightly, pondering the question that Isabella posed. Lia knew that Isabella specifically meant did she want to go back to Elizabeth, back to the way things were before, before she met Isabella. As much as she wanted to tell her no, Lia didn’t know what the answer was. So much had changed when she met Isabella and so much of her changed afterwards. …it is almost unbearable. Soaked to the bone, Lia stood alone once more. The pouring rain became her favorite place to cry because no one could see her tears. However, her eyes still grew red, mirroring the withdrawal she was feeling. She left home less often, seen less people, heard less voices. Elizabeth would smile, stating that the world was safer this way but as Lia grew more lonely, she grew more wary of Elizabeth’s intentions. “You are a strange child,” Elizabeth would hiss anytime Lia questioned her. “You think they want anything to do with you?” Lia was silent as always, biting her tongue lest she said something she would regret. “I’m trying to protect you,” Elizabeth then continued. “Your fragile heart can’t take what they would say to you, let alone what they don’t…” “But Elizabeth, I–” “You what?” Elizabeth interrupted, venom dripping from her words. Lia faltered for a moment before telling her it was nothing. Elizabeth beamed, her warm smile making Lia momentarily forget that it wasn’t nothing that bothered her. She was growing tired, tired of the hiding and walls Elizabeth built around them. Lia felt so distant from people and Elizabeth prefered it that way. “Your hair seems softer than before,” Elizabeth commented, patting Lia’s head, “and darker…” Like yours, Lia immediately thought but instead feeling happy, she felt dreadful. She felt utterly alone. I’m not you… Like that fateful day, the rain stopped from overhead. However, instead of ruby red lips smirking in triumph, Lia was greeted by concerned teal irises, yet they felt warmer than the brightest sun. “Why are you afraid of feeling?” Lia tensed. She had changed out of soaked clothes and sat alone on her couch with a cup of tea in hand. “It’s safer this way,” she mumbled in response. Isabella cocked her head. “Who told you that?” Lia didn’t respond. Isabella then sat next to her, “There’s nothing wrong with caring about things…” “I care too much,” Lia said, trying to hide behind her cup to no avail. Isabella gave a small smile. “And there’s nothing wrong with that,” she said. “In fact, that’s what makes life worth living. When you care about others and they care about you too…that’s the life you want to live, right?” Lia said nothing, though her heart cried out its answer. “I can help you,” Isabella continued, “I know you have a warm heart…perhaps you have been hiding it for too long.” Suddenly, the word Lia only reserved for Elizabeth came to mind, Isabella’s kind words reminding her of the way Elizabeth was long ago. …I know I’m not… Elizabeth’s frown deepened when she and Lia met again. “You cut your hair,” she stated, her disdain evident to Lia. “I did.” Elizabeth said nothing for a moment. “Why?” “I thought it was good idea,” Lia replied with a shrug. Elizabeth eyed her new hairstyle. “Really now…” She then said, not even attempting to hide her scowl. “That’s not like you…” “How so?” “You don’t normally think,” Elizabeth explained, “for yourself, that is. Are you trying to be like her?” Lia suddenly became self-conscious, “Like who?” “Like Isabella,” Elizabeth replied in a bored tone of voice. “You think you can be happy wearing your heart out on your sleeve? Open to anyone ready to stab it? Is that what you want?” “I…” “You stick out like a sore thumb,” Elizabeth continued, interrupting Lia. “People are surely going to talk…” “But Elizabeth…” Elizabeth then let out a sigh, not letting Lia complete her thought. “I’ll get you a wig. You can wear it over that ridiculous hairstyle. Then after your hair grows out, we can put back in that beautiful bob of yours.” Lia didn’t object, she couldn’t. Even when the foreign object was placed in her hand, she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of the wig. It didn’t help that, ever since that conversation with Elizabeth, she felt them, they watched her every move. She heard them too, the murmurings that always sounded vaguely about her. They reminded Lia of her. “It’s probably nothing,” Isabella then said, “I think your hair is cute! It doesn’t matter what they think,” but Lia couldn’t help but feel out of place. Unlike before, she was surrounded by people, but yet, how is it that she feel lonelier now? …But yet, it’s you I see in the mirror. For second, she was her. The wig was a long, dark brown, stopping beneath her shoulder blade, just like hers. Yet, it felt wrong. ‘This isn’t me’ chanted through Lia’s thoughts as she glared at the abomination that was her reflection. She ripped off the wig, white hot tears running down her cheeks. It was almost comforting… “Lia…why would you…” “I don’t know!” she finally screamed, shouting at the image behind her. Isabella stood still for a moment before she frowned for the first time at Lia. “How much of yourself do you have to give up just to be like her?” “I’m not you!” Lia snapped, her hands shaking. “I can’t be…I can’t smile all the time, I can’t…let myself feel everything like you…” “Yet you can feel sorry for yourself,” Isabella countered. “You rather live behind a mask. Or rather,” looking down at the item in Lia’s hand, “a wig.” Lia said nothing at first as she tried to even out her breathing. “I’m not you,” she repeated quietly, as if to convince herself. “You’re more like me than you are her,” Isabella then said. Then her face softened as she took a step toward her, “Lia…” “I can’t be you…” Lia looked back at her reflection, bleary-eyed from her tears. …almost addicting… “Then what do you want?” Lia froze at the sharp voice, suddenly piercing her consciousness. Then she stood upright, looking her reflection in the eyes. “To be numb,” she replied. “To be cold and unfeeling…like you.” Those familiar red lips curved upwards before taking a step towards Lia. A set of slender, white fingers then laced themselves around her throat. Lia’s eyes shifted their attention to the figure standing behind her. Then Lia noticed that, though she questioned if at first it was the lighting, the warm, milk-white skin seemed like it had spoiled. Chocolate eyes darken to charcoal and Lia suddenly felt cold. The warmth was gone. “I own you,” was then uttered through those poison lips, leaving a bitter taste in Lia’s mouth. It reminded her of the taste of black coffee, devoid of any sweetness. Lia hated it. “Don’t you forget that.” …to be controlled by fear. Lia slowly nodded, relinquishing all her power. She was wrong in her decision but she couldn’t bring herself to fight back. A word that she had once reserved for Elizabeth now belonged to Isabella. A new word took its place. Then Lia thought back to that day in the coffee shop and the question that was posed that day. Bitter, like coffee. Sweet, like milk. What was she then? She wasn’t Elizabeth and she can’t be Isabella. She wasn’t completely logical but she can’t be completely emotional. Lia was stuck between two ideals that she could never achieve. Not quite coffee, not quite milk… a
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May 2024
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