BY FÉLIKS CHEANG In this cold winter season people all over the world dream of having a white Christmas (or maybe a white beach in Australia and Brazil!). Beyond these blankets of bright white snow, however, there are white lies as well. Santa and his reindeer is one old story. But there is another, even taller tale in almost every family, that is, ‘I don’t have a favourite child.’ Yes, parents may have wrapped the same presents for their children, but their favour toward them is not the same at all, no matter how much they try to hide it. It is a worst-kept secret that most parents play favourites. Children easily recognise their status but simply keep quiet about it. Last year, Daily Mail has cited research that confirms that as many as 62% of British parents admit to not giving their children equal attention. One in 12 confirmed they like one child more than the others, while mothers and fathers can each have their own favourite. And not surprisingly, most parents try their best to mask their preferences, or to persuade themselves that they do not have them. But don’t blame yourself if your are one of these parents or children. Such parental behaviour, in fact, can be traced back to a genetic cause. Our evolutionary impulse unconsciously makes us want to replicate ourselves through succeeding generations. It’s like you are the owner of an artist agency, and you will pay most of your attention and resources to the best artist in your company to make her the next Beyoncé. It is the same in the animal world. A penguin mother will kick the smaller of her two eggs out of the nest, so that she can better focus on the healthier and heartier chick in the bigger shell. Humans, being on the top of the food chain, are no doubt smarter than penguins. Anyway, Darwinian logic happens: a firstborn always absorbs the most parental time, energy, and resources. The firstborn thus becomes the takes up most of his or her parents’attention. One Norwegian study has shown that firstborns have a 3-point iq advantage over later siblings, partly a result of being the exclusive focus of their parents’attention in the earliest part of life. This small iqadvantage, say, may get a firstborn into Harvard. And then favouritism will be even stronger: who doesn’t favour a Harvard child? Favourites are not always chosen because they are firstborn, however. One of my cousins, Charlotte, is the youngest daughter but still the favourite of her parents. Sometimes, the last-born is favoured, as parents may opt to spread their care around in the hope of maximising the number of offspring that survive, and the youngest child is one that needs the most help and thus gets the most favour. Although this might make sense, I think it is not the whole picture. Besides birth order, parent-child relationships are like any other: they’re made up of unique personalities and circumstances. Favouritism sometimes simply stems from temperament — if your child is similar to you, shares the same interests with you, you’re more likely to feel compatible and want to spend more time with that child. Or if the child is the only girl or boy among the siblings and the same gender as the father or mother, or if the child is easy to discipline, one parent might relate to him or her more easily. For all that, favouritism can fluctuate, depending on what are known as family domains. Kelvin, one of my friends who is a badminton player, is his ex-jock father’s favourite; but when it comes to having an emotional conversation, the father always turns to his daughter, Jennifer. So overall Kelvin may still come out on top, but Jennifer definitely gets more attention from her father, and favouritism seems to have gone into different domains. And what about single-parent families? Favouritism becomes more complex as more factors are added, and families nowadays are more complicated. But we must grant two things: we’re human, and we all have preferences and proclivities. We are drawn to some people more than others, and it’s not a horrible thing. However, problems arise when parents don’t actively deal with their favouritism and children pick up on it. Patterns are hard to break. Mental health consequences can continue into adulthood. A less-favoured child may have ill will toward parents or the preferred sibling and become an antisocial adult. Think of Cain and Abel in the Bible. But even when parents vow to treat their children equally, the old saying is true: perception is reality. Labels are the worst. ‘Benny always gets his homework done by himself,’ ‘Charlie is talented in maths,’ or the most destructive one, ‘you should learn from your sister’ (if I heard this, I might slap my sister’s face immediately). Plus, all children want to feel like they’re different, not clones to their siblings. In short, it’s nearly impossible for parents to treat their children equally. So if you are one of the victims and struggling with your parents’ favouritism, here is some advice for you:
1) Analyse: Before deciding to dump your parents after you graduate, you should study the whole situation and determine whether it’s really favouritism, or are they just treating you in a way you don’t like? 2) Communicate: Misunderstandings will only worsen the situation and set up conflicts. Tell them politely and respectfully that whatever they’re doing is hurting you. Rule number one: no accusations. 3) Talk to your friends: Your friends may have the same experience. Plus, each of them has two ears for you to vent your anger. 4) Don’t blame your siblings: Understand that your sibling is also a victim of favouritism. 5) Work for yourself: Have pride in yourself and become more independent. You have to live your own life. Look for your dream job and be confident about your qualities and capabilities. Finally, you will figure out that the ‘favourite child’ label is not so important after all. a
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May 2024
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