By Wen Ying Fan Don’t know what to say to that cute girl standing across the street? Can’t find the right words that’ll win the girl next to you on the MRT? A few taps on the keyboard, a couple of clicks and an entire website of pick-up lines is at your service. You browse through the carefully divided categories, nodding to a few and cracking up at others. Jotting down supposedly suave lines, especially ones that claim to have “succeeded,” you think yourself ready to sweep her off her feet. Think again. What about the things you shouldn’t say, ever thought of that? Suggestive, bewildering, and downright lewd comments are easily mistaken as “humorous” or “witty.” Getting a girl to respond, much less to offer her phone number, isn’t easy; showing basic courtesy and respect and knowing what not to say is a good start. AVOID THE INNUENDOS. What better way to leave a desperate impression of yourself by hinting to “get physical after”?
> You have beautiful hair. But it could be better if it were spread over my pillow. > Can I add a branch to your family tree? > I think we might be related. Let me check for the family birthmark on your chest. > My bedroom has a very interesting ceiling… > Oh no, I’m choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick! > Do you know what’d look good on you? Me. > Excuse me, but is that dress felt? Would you like it to be? CHEESY CLASSICS DON’T IMPRESS. Clichés will earn you a roll of the eyes and whatever sincerity you managed to muster goes down the drain. > Am I dead, angel? Because this must be heaven! > Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? > Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes. > Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? > Have I met you before? > Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? > Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams. SPEAK EARTHLING. Making sense and giving the right ideas will be more rewarding than a wink of the eye. In fact, “communicating” with her IS your initial goal, right? > Hello, well-formed Homo Sapien specimen. Would you care to depart with me towards my domiciliary residence and observe a documentary of the ontogenesis of another Homo Sapien individual just prior to fertilization? > Say, did we go to different schools together? > Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. > Greetings and salivations. > Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES! > Excuse me, do you live around here often? > I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them right now; they’re out in the car. JUST PLAIN LAME and a whole batch of them that should never even be uttered. > I’d marry your cat just to get in the family. (Plain weirdness.) > Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours? > Help the homeless. Take me home with you. > So are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you? > You know, if we cut your arms off, you’d look just like Venus de Milo. (This isn’t how you compare a girl to the goddess.) > Baby, you’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s out of business. > I’m not trying to pick you up. You’re like too heavy. Ha ha ha ha. Get it? (Find Beavis and Butthead attractive? I don’t either.) > Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room? > I bet you 5000 NT that you’ll turn me down! Can you imagine yourself saying these rude, insensitive words to the girl who apparently captured your interest? Better yet, can you imagine her reaction on hearing these? It’s not likely to be the sweet smile that had drawn you to her, or even the good-natured shrug forgiving your boorish remarks. She deserves more than that: be honest and tell her what you really think. If you are truly floored by the looks of the person, say so. Compliments are always appreciated, more so if they’re sincere. Forget the sleazy comments. Greet her with a simple, straightforward “Hi” and you’re off to a better start than these “pick-up lines” can hope to provide. a
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May 2024
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