By Ericka Valladares It’s 3:00 am. I have just drunk a sugar-overloaded coffee. I’m beyond stressed over a programming assignment that will probably not be finished before the deadline. So…why not take a break? I start scrolling through old pictures when I find a scanned image of an interview from a local newspaper from my country. Highlighted from the interview is a quote: “Don’t follow the majority, follow your dreams. Don’t study something because someone else says so. The point of is to follow your passion, because that’s the only way you can be truly happy: doing what you love.” Next to the quote there’s a picture of a girl with a huge smile, holding a color palette in one hand a brush in the other. That girl looks happy, truly happy. I grab a piece of paper and start writing to that girl: it’s the past me. Dear Past Me:
Why didn’t you follow your own advice? Why did you add a “just kidding” and an awkward laugh after telling your family you were considering art as a major? Why did you let society choose for you? You know you’re smart. You know you are good with numbers. You know you can do anything you set your mind to. So, why did you keep on trying to follow society’s standards and keep up with everyone’s expectations? Why couldn’t you just stand up and eliminate them from your decision? It was your choice…your future. I stop writing because I know the answer to all these questions: I was scared to fail. I didn’t want to risk everything and lose it all in the process. I wasn’t ready for judgment. I wanted to make my family proud. My brother’s joked, “So, which Engineering do you want to study?” But it wasn’t only a joke. I didn’t want people questioning my capacities just because I chose a major that didn’t involve math or science. It was easier to have everyone’s support. It was easier to go with the flow. I grab my pen again and continue. Now I’m here, coding, trying to make sense of equations, reading long textbooks after not processing anything from boring lectures. I know you like programming, and numbers are one of your strengths, but we both know that we don’t love this. All these are square thoughts, black and white, 1s and 0s, when your mind is a technicolor mess with ins and outs, curves and curls, flowers and elephants with wings. We are trying to fit in a box that’s not made to our measurements. I miss the art studio everyday. Do you remember all our Saturdays over there? It was at least six hours a day of nonstop painting. All your clothes had paint stains, and it could even take two days to remove the French ink stains from your hands. When art exhibitions came the workload multiplied. But you enjoyed it; you didn’t mind the endless work, even having paint in your hair and painting with one hand while holding a hamburger in the other. You were happy, because you loved what you were doing. Now I have an emotionless face in front of the computer. My bed is calling me. I am not hungry but I am eating Oreos by the dozen. I feel no passion; I don’t really feel anything but tiredness. I am so tired. Half of the time we are tired and the other half we are stressed out. We browse through art schools, art programs, summer workshops, internships, anything closer to what we really love. We open tabs in our browsers and read a countless amount of information. We just want one more chance to make the right decision. We just want to leave it all, escape and start from zero… But that would mean quitting and I am not a quitter. I don’t throw away a painting because I stained it with ketchup, of course not! I splash more red paint on it and then make flowers on top and name it “Passion Lilies.” I don’t give up because I am stubborn and a fighter, and because deep down through all the highs and lows I actually like the challenge this career represents. I still don’t know what’s next after this. I am afraid we made the wrong decision. I am afraid of losing my colors to this grey monotone routine. I am afraid of becoming an engineer and I am afraid of losing what I love most in myself: my art. But wait? Can’t an engineer be an artist? Do I have to remind myself that one of my favorite artists, the great Leonardo Da Vinci, was an engineer AND an artist? Where do you think he got his precision from? He didn’t let his logic kill his creativity; he used his logic to turn his creativity into reality. I laugh at myself for thinking for a moment that I could lose my artistic side when it is carved so deep in me. It’s not something you get one day and the next day is gone, it is something that grows in you and with you. It is part of you, it defines you. Time goes by and I feel we are going further from our dream. The closest thing I am to drawing something in my career now is drawing memory data structures, flowcharts, and circuits. Where are the colors? Where’s the explosion of feeling? Where’s the freedom of design? This is not the best means of expression from an artistic perspective. It’s going to be three more years before I graduate, three more years until I can take a turn in my path. Am I wasting my time? Of course not. I’m learning through the whole process! Now I know how to handle stress in a better way: other than eating everything at 7-11, I’ve learned how to accept and ask for help from others, I’m practicing my multitasking on a daily basis and ok… I’ve learned a few things from C++ and I can do double integrations without asking Google. But there’s also something more to it, I’ve discovered the fact that I love to draw on my tablet as well, and with some little geeky tricks here and there turn that printed art into a beautiful animation. How could I be wasting my time? I’m about to sign the letter when I take a second glance at it. Am I being too harsh on myself? Yes, I know I am. Am I exaggerating a bit? Yes, I am. Maybe I should add something else… There’s something else I want you to keep in mind: you are talented, never doubt that. You won’t stop painting, you will make time for it no matter how busy your days and nights are. Your physics notebook will actually look more like a sketchbook and your room will be full of paintings. At the end of this path we will have the creativity to think of the impossible and the logic and capacity to make it possible. The next step is mine to decide, don’t worry about it. This time we will make the right decision. We will not give up on the challenge of engineering, we won’t give up on our passion for art, we will find the balance to mix them both. Sugar-overloaded coffee will still be our best friend for future all-nighters, but these times will also be full of inspiration, colors, and passion. Now I sign the letter and put it inside my drawer. I sit in front of my computer and continue coding. After a while I try to run the program and it works! I smile victoriously, turn off the computer, grab a pencil, and open my sketchbook to a new blank page. Well, sometimes it’s not so bad… sometimes. a
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The Taida Student Journal has been active since 1995 with an ever-changing roster of student journalists at NTU. Click the above link to read about the authors Archives
May 2024
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